All the sadness, fear and hurt I carry in my heart

Once upon a time, I was in love with someone. We were having a conversation about how much we loved each other, and we both listed three things we really wished we would give each other. I said I wish they'd give me a hug, they said they wished they could always have a piece of my hair with them when I'm not around, I said I wished I had their words with me when I feel weak, and they said they would love me to give them all the sadness, fear and hurt I carry in my heart, so they could destroy it and make me a happy person.

I thought about it and I actually thought it was an amazing idea. I wrote down all the things that made me sad, scared, hurt, and I fold the paper. I didn't even want anyone to read it really, I just thought that I'd love that person (whom I was not dating, but just loving immensely) to destroy that for me.

This was some years ago, but here's what I had written.

I am sad because time is running so much faster than me I already know that I won't have the time to live all the things I want to live. I am sad because you might feel sad about that too, and I don't want to make you feel sad. I am sad because I used to know what I wanted to do with my life and now I just feel like I let the world decide for me, I don't make any decision and I just wait and see all the time.

I am sad because sometimes I feel like no one can understand how I really feel, and I can't explain it to anyone because even I don't understand myself either.

I am sad because I'm not confident at all with my teaching skills, but that's pretty much the only job I can do with my degree... so what am I supposed to do now? I just keep studying higher and higher degrees in Uni, keep having good marks, and I suppose I will stay here all my fucking life until another Uni abroad hires me?

I am sad because I don't want to do anything. I feel like I would like to spend months here sleeping, lurking Twitter and eat chocolate cakes all day. I avoid talking to my closest friends because I don't want them to bring up serious topics. I am getting bored of myself and I would like to have a break. A life-break, you know? Like dying but just for a moment. Not suicide or anything like that, just momentarily stop living, take some rest or I don't know. And then come back to life, refreshed and stuff.

Everything goes so fast, I can't handle it. I don't even find time to think anymore. Sometimes I just sit on my couch and do nothing. I'm not busy, but I just don't feel like doing anything. I keep doing nothing, and then after a while I realise that I have so many things left to do and no time at all.

And that makes me scared. I am scared. What if I don't have enough time? What if I miss something cool because I'd rather do nothing instead? What if my grand-parents die before I get motivated to take my phone and say "Hi"?

What if I wait to be fifty years old to figure out I don't want to be a teacher but a gardener or a fireman? I feel like I already chose a really tiny path and that the possibilities to change my mind are dwindling really fast. I can't move, I feel like I'm stuck in my life!

I'm scared because I don't feel like being in a relationship at the moment. I keep saying "no" to the few guys who want to date me, but I'm starting to feel sad about being single. What if they all stop to ask at the exact moment when I will really need to be with someone? Will I be alone forever? Am I able to love?

Why am I always falling in love with the only guy with whom nothing will ever happen? Am I in love with the Impossibility of love or something? Why do the normal guys just seem boring to me?

I hope one day I'll finally find someone who fits me.